Coaching Caregivers to Build Positive Attention

By Colleen Harker, Ph.D.

Many of the families that we work with are caught in a frustrating and often exhausting cycle when trying to manage their child’s disruptive behaviors. Understandably, parents try a variety of strategies —such as negotiating, yelling, lecturing, or punishing— in an attempt to stop their child’s behavior in the moment. Over time, however, a pattern is created whereby the balance of attention can shift so that the child receives more negative than positive attention throughout the day. 

A critical step early in treatment is to restore that balance by intentionally increasing positive attention—a cornerstone of most evidence-based treatments for children. This shift alone can reduce challenging behavior and strengthen the parent-child relationship. Positive attention lays the groundwork for future strategies, like planned ignoring. We often remind parents that it also may reduce the need for future strategies (e.g., consequences) that parents are sometimes eager to get to in the early stages of treatment.

We teach parents to use three main types of positive attention: verbal (labeled praise, attends, and affirmations), non-verbal (physical affection, gestures, facial expressions). 

• Verbal

• Labeled praise involves a positive evaluation of a child’s behavior (e.g., “Nice job cleaning up!”).

• Attends are neutral descriptions of behavior (e.g., “You’re cleaning up quickly”).

• Affirmations take this a step further by highlighting positive qualities about the child (e.g., “You are so considerate of shared spaces”), which can feel especially supportive.

• Non-verbal

• Physical affection, gestures, and facial expressions offer a more subtle way to communicate, “I like what you’re doing,” without drawing too much attention to the behavior.

The strategies listed above are considered contingent interventions (i.e., delivered in response to a child’s behavior), special time (as described in Parent-Child Interaction Therapy, or PCIT) is a non-contingent intervention, serving as a preventative ‘dose’ of positive attention. Special time is intended to be a daily, quality time between a parent and a child that involves following the child’s lead. For younger children, special time often takes place in the context of play (e.g., Legos), while for tweens and teens it might include shared activities such as biking, playing video games, or doing a makeup tutorial together. We explicitly instruct parents to avoid asking questions, giving directions, correcting behavior, or initiating difficult conversations during special time, so that it remains a positive, low-pressure interaction. Overall, the most important part for parents, regardless of their child’s age, is to stay present and demonstrate that they genuinely enjoy spending time with their child.